Buffy Season 6 Breadbox Edition
by netrat
Summary: FINISHED. Want to watch Buffy but don't have the time? Here's season 6 in a nutshell - now with an extra helping of humour. Enjoy!


**Buffy Season 6 – Breadbox Edition**

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own Buffy or anyone else that might pop up, including Joss Whedon, Madonna, and Prince Valium. I think I have used one or two original lines from the show, and two or three from others. The title "Breadbox Edition" is from Evadne's stories._

_This is a summary of season 6, written by someone who is a fan of BTVS (if a nitpicky one), but not necessarily of season 6. Although I liked some parts, such as the episode Once More, With Feeling, a bit more than you might guess from reading this. If you worship Xander Harris and/or the series in general and cannot stand anyone poking fun at them, you probably won't enjoy this. Consider yourself warned. Finally, some of the events might not be in chronological order, either because of dramatic effect or because I don't care. So mary-sue me._

Buffy is running around fighting vampires.

Buffy:

[Insert own bad pun here.]

A vampire attacks her.

Vampire:

Hey, you're the BuffyBotTM!

The Bot, damaged, stumbles home. The vampire goes and tells his friends, who take over Sunnydale in no time.

Audience:

Wait. One day without the Slayer and the town goes to hell? What about that summer after season two 

when she ran off to L. A.? What about before she moved here?

Willow:

I have a fun idea. Let's go raise the dead.

Xander, Anya, Tara:

Okay.

Giles:

I am going back to England since my Slayer is dead for good.

Willow:

You're absolutely right. I mean, how could she possibly come back? Good riddance.

The gang has buried the supposedly alive Buffy in a grave with a nice stone, which _has her name on it_.

Audience:

Ooookay.

Willow:

Mighty Osiris blah blah Warrior of the People blah blah let her pass.

Willow coughs up a big-ass snake. Vampires come and disrupt the ceremony. Willow thinks it didn't work. Checking on that would be much easier if anybody 

had thought _of digging up the body before re-animating it_! To no-one's surprise, Buffy claws her way out of the grave.

Buffy:

I'm in hell.

Willow, Xander, Anya, Tara:

Welcome back! Want some pizza?

Audience:

The only people who act in any way sensitively towards her are a demon in the body of a 

dead man, and a ray-of-energy-turned-whiny-brat.

Willow [on the phone]:

Uh, Giles, you might want to come back. Uh, Buffy's not as dead as we thought. 

Someone must have re-animated her. What, me? No way, must have been another 

super-powerful witch ...

Giles:

Welcome back, Buffy. Willow, you're an idiot dabbling in powers that 

will almost destroy you. This is so not foreshadowing.

Spike:

Your friends are idiots.

Buffy:

I know. I was in heaven. Don't tell anyone.

Madonna [sings]:

Uh, oh, something's coming over me, my baby's got a secret ...

Spike:

Hey, if you cannot trust a soulless mass murderer, 

whom can you trust?

Warren, Jonathan, Andrew:

We are nerds. Watch us behave nerdily.

Warren:

I am the tech genius. I am also the only handsome of the three, meaning I am evil.

Jonathan:

I'm small and afraid to stand up for myself. I am a magician.

Andrew:

I am ... uh, I got a magic flute ... and a brother ... he's a nerd too ...

Warren, Jonathan, Andrew (aka The Troika):

We will become the crimelords of Sunnydale. We will get rich and girls will like us.

Warren:

Wait a moment. So far, I've built at least two life-like robots. My other inventions 

include a freezer gun, an invisibility gun, yet another life-like robot, and a time distorter. Patent 

any of them and I'd probably make more money than Bill Gates!

Joss Whedon:

Shut up. I need a human villain, and the other two doofi don't fit the bill.

Buffy:

I am bankrupt. My mother's life savings and insurance settlements are 

gone. Either this house has the utility bill of Las Vegas, or Dawn eats too 

much. – Have a look at my flooded basement.

Dawn:

Nobody likes me. I hate you all.

She steals a necklace.

Dawn:

I'm Robin Hood!

Buffy:

Have another look at my flooded basement.

Audience:

Where are the vampires? Where are the hell-gods and Slayers-gone-mental? You're

 sure this is a series about the supernatural? Hell, _Married With Children_ re-runs are more interesting!

Joss Whedon:

But, you see, this season is all about battling one's _inner_ demons ...

His voice gets drowned out by a chorus of _We want Faith/Angel/Glory/Dru/The Mayor _cries.

Buffy:

Have I shown you my flooded basement yet?

Willow:

My pet rat is really a witch. We'll remind you of that in the teaser since no-one 

remembers. I'm sure you'll be surprised when I de-rat her.

Audience:

So she just wants to do it and the spell is there? She couldn't have tried that, 

say, _three years ago_?

Amy:

I'm pretty cool about suddenly being human again.

Audience:

The rat was cuter.

Amy:

I just spent three years as a rat because of a spell gone wrong. How about 

doing _more_ illegal magic?

Audience:

The rat was also smarter.

Rack:

I am some sort of magician, or possibly even a demon. I run the magic crack den. 

They couldn't get Willem Dafoe but hey, I'm trying.

Amy and Willow are floating on the ceiling.

Willow:

Groovy! I'm so high!

Joss Whedon:

Isn't that neat? I am telling a story with a _moral_! Just say no, kids!

Audience:

Okay. *switch over to _Friends_*

Buffy catches the magic-addict Amy stealing from her house.

Buffy:

Sage? That stuff costs, like, a dollar at the supermarket!

Audience:

Can we please have the rat back?

Amy disappears from the show. Willow has a fight with Tara.

Willow:

Just forget it happened. Sleeeeeeeep noooooow ...

Xander, ever the idiot, summons a demon "for fun". Everybody starts singing.

Tara:

I'm under your spell, la la la ... How's _that_ for foreshadowing?

Dawn:

I steal.

Audience:

*yawn*

Spike:

I'm in love with Buffy.

Buffy:  
I'm whining about being alive.

Xander, Anya:

We're very much in love, but we still fight.

Willow:

I can't sing and therefore I won't tell you any secrets.

Audience:

Neither can Brendon [Xander] and Trachtenberg [Dawn], but that didn't stop _them_.

Tara:

Oh, the irony! Willow put a spell on me! How could she! I'm so disappointed.

Joss Whedon *rubbing his hands*:

That's right, and do you remember Xander singing how he's not sure about this marriage thing?

Xander-and-Anya-fans (if there every have been any):

Noooo! You wouldn't do that to us, would you? If a jerk and a demon can't find happiness, who can?

Buffy:

I was in heeeeeeaven. D'you hear me, I WAS IN HEEEEEAVEN! AS ANYONE 

WITH HALF A BRAIN WOULD HAVE FIGURED OUT! YES, I'M 

LOOKING AT YOU, WILLOW! I DIED SAVING THE WORLD, HOW COULD I POSSIBLY 

HAVE ENDED UP IN HELL? YOU THINK I'M HAPPY ABOUT BEING BACK WITH YOU LOSERS?

Spike:

I'm not a loser. And believe me, being dead is not as much fun as you might think.

They kiss.

Half The Audience:

Yes!

The Other Half:

Ewww! He's a demon!

Dawn:

Where do we go from here ...

Audience:

The Eurovision Song Contest, judging from the poor quality of this song.

Giles:

I am going back to England, Buffy.

Buffy:

Why?

Giles:

Because Head [Giles] wants to move back home. And because there's no way the rest 

of this season would be that stupid if I stayed. – Uh, I mean, you need to grow up.

Audience:

After she's just been raised from the dead, has had to take care of her whiny sister-brat and 

suddenly has to get by without her mum and mum's money? _That's_ sensitive.

Anthony Stewart Head:

So what? You thought I'd be cleaning my glasses and getting knocked out for all eternity?

Female Audience Members:

So now, the only males left are an idiot and a vampire. That's just 

sad. Even if the vampire's handsome.

Willow:

My girlfriend found out that I lethe's-brambled her, and now she's angry at me. How about I just 

lethe's- bramble her again? I'm sure she won't suspect a thing. In fact, _no-one_ will suspect _me_ if my 

girlfriend and my best friend suddenly become amnesiacs.

Audience Members Who've Seen The Season Finale:

_This_ is the supervillain threatening the whole world?

Joss Whedon:

Excuse me while I shove my Drugs-Are-Bad message down your throats some more. 

And yes, magic deprivation causes Cold Turkey, in case you didn't know.

The Troika:

Don't you forget about us! We're nerdy, you know! And we rob 

museums! With a nerdy freezer gun!

Audience:

Yes, yes, very nice. Good boys. Have some cookies.

Sub-Zero:

There's nothing nerdy about freezing your foes in combat.

Scorpio:

Says you. *snickers*

Dawn:

Don't forget about me either! *whines* Everybody hates me, especially my sister, 

despite the fact that she sacrificed her _life_ for me last season.

Audience:

Although if you'd already been such a whiny brat then, she wouldn't have.

Dawn:

Hey, I just staked my first boyfriend. Am I cool or what? And I found out that my sister

 cares very much about me. *continues whining about Buffy hating her*

The Troika:

Watch us turn Buffy invisible with our latest gadget!

Buffy:

Watch me – well, _don't_ watch me – abuse my invisibilty for creepy and immoral purposes!

Warren tries to kill Buffy.

Half The Audience:

*gasp* He's evil! He must be stopped!

The Other Half:

Good try, too. At least she decided that she doesn't want to be dead after all. Maybe that'll stop her whining.

Buffy whines some more.

Buffy:  
I'm broke. *ignores the audience's groans* I'll have to take a really crummy job at a hamburger joint.

Audience:

So, Willow and Tara are living in her house, right? They have been living there since she 

died, right? Maybe she should try _charging them rent_!

Riley:

Remember me? I'm every grandmother's handsome, smart, correct, picture-perfect ideal son-in-law.

Audience:

Too bad that most grandmothers don't watch shows called The Vampire Slayer.

Prince Valium:

And they say _I _am boring!

Riley disappears after one episode.

Audience:

Yes!

Buffy:

I am now having an affair with Spike. Despite the fact that my first boyfriend was a 

mass-murdering vampire, despite the fact that my only male friend is engaged to a demon, and despite the fact that Spike 

has routinely saved my sister's life and is her trusted baby-sitter, I have to hide this from my friends.

Joss Whedon:

Maybe you didn't like my Drugs-Are-Bad message, but you _will_ like Marsters' [Spike] muscular upper body!

Female Audience Members:

Do that smirk again! *swoon*

Buffy and Spike repeatedly hit each other, repeatedly have sex, then – for variety's sake – repeatedly hit each other.

Spike:

Hey, I can beat you up! That means you're not human!

Buffy runs crying to Tara.

Buffy:

Mommy, the demon said I'm soulless and evil!

Audience:

Uh, isn't the whole point here that evil soulless things, such as Spike, may be redeemed? 

Besides, what about Anya – does she have a soul? Does Dawn?

Tara:

Blah blah molecular structure blah.

Buffy:

Okay then. Forget I ever mentioned it.

Buffy:

Spike, I've just been using you. I don't love you and never will. It was wrong to pretend I did. Good bye.

Spike:

Okay then. No hard feelings.

Audience:

What? What happened to _Fool for Love_? "I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it", anyone?

Dawn:

I have made a wish and imprisoned all my friends and family in our house. I've realised 

that Buffy cares very much for me. *whines some more about everyone hating her*

Warren tries to mind-control and rape his ex-girlfriend Katrina, then kills her.

Audience:

Okay, that guy _is_ evil.

Buffy:

Through some spectacular leaps of logic, I have deduced that Warren is the killer. 

However, I will not investigate this hunch until after more whining.

Anya and Xander are getting married.

Xander:

A creepy guy claiming to me myself from the future, but offering absolutely no proof to back it up, has 

just talked me into not marrying you. You see, I am afraid that we will not be happy ever after. I'll just leave 

you at the altar in front of all the guests and be on my merry way, shall I?

Joss Whedon:

*rubbing his hands* See? I _told_ you to pay attention to the song!

Audience:

They've been betrothed for a year, and he says he's not ready? And he's afraid that it might not

 work out and they might make each other's lifes hell? Ever heard of something called a divorce?

Joss Whedon:

Shut up. No-one's allowed a happy relationship in my series.

Audience Members That Have Not Come Across Any Spoilers Yet:

But Willow and Tara ...

Anya turns into a vengeance demon again, then has sex with Spike while drunk.

Xander:

Anya, how could you? You only did it to hurt my feelings!

Female Audience Members:

Yes, that's the only reason for a girl to make out with a handsome, muscular, smart and 

witty guy who treats her much better than her jerk of an ex-boyfriend did.

Buffy:

Spike, how could you? You hurt my feelings!

Audience:

That's funny, seeing as the ones "hurt" are the ones that left in the first place.

Buffy dreams that she's a lunatic in an asylum. She can't tell which world is real.

Morpheus:

Want a pill to help you decide?

Audience:

Great, _more_ drug references.

Buffy:

There is no spoon!

Joss Whedon is suddenly looking at his watch.

Joss Whedon:

My, my, how time flies! Seems like we wasted a perfectly good season on flooded basements 

and magic crack dens! Well, time to wrap everything up. Warren, you switch to full-out psycho-mode

 and stay there until your death. Spike, you do something utterly out-of-character and wreck whatever is left of 

your relationship with Buffy. Don't forget to utter many ambiguous lines for the benefit of three audience members that 

haven't seen or heard any season seven spoilers. Willow and Tara, you make up.

Warren finds a new gadget that makes him invincible and immortal. It is ... curiously shaped, to put it mildly

Warren:

Watch me play with my glowing balls of super-strength!

Audience:

That's just wrong.

Jonathan:

Rip his balls off!

Buffy grabs the balls, which Warren keeps in an easy-to-grab leather pouch on his belt. She then proceeds to kick his butt. Warren vows revenge.

Willow and Tara:

We are so happy! We are constantly making out – in fact, this episode contains more references to 

us making out than all the other episodes since season four combined! We are the cutest couple ever 

and will be lovers until we die.

Warren kills Tara and wounds Buffy.

Audience:

Well, _technically,_ they were right.

Willow:

Osiris, raise the dead! – What do you mean, the special effects only work once?

She is seeing red. Literarily.

Willow:

If I can't have my sweet Tara back, I'll become the most powerful witch 

of the universe and destroy all my friends. That will teach them to be bread baskets!

She goes to the magic shop and sucks all the books about dark magic dry.

Audience:

I want a book that dyes my hair permanently, too. Do they do them in another colour, red maybe?

Willow, Xander, and Buffy go a-hunting Warren. Willow manages to take out a robot.

Willow:

Die, scum, die!

Audience:

Eww. Did she have to pop his eyes out?

Buffy:

Willow must be stopped. Killing humans is a no-no.

Audience:

Unless they are your mother's boyfriend, or Faith, or the Knights of the Byzantinum. Or Ben. Can anyone spell _hypocrite_?

Dawn:

H-Y-P-P-O-C-R-I-T. *whines some more about Buffy hating her*

Willow kills Rack, the magic crack dealer. Then she tracks down Warren, tortures him, pushes a bullet into his chest, rips his skin off his body and burns him.

Buffy:

She has to be stopped before she crosses a line!

Buffy, Xander, and Anya manage to save Andrew and Jonathan from Willow's wrath. They hide in the magic shop.

Xander and Anya:

We'll search the books that are left and see if we come up with any protective charms.

Jonathan:

May I –

Xander:

Shut up, scum.

Audience:

Of course, when hiding from the world's most powerful witch and looking for a magical way to stop her, 

why not shut up the only person around who knows anything about magic?

Xander:

I am oh-so-useless. I am such a jerk.

Audience:

That's right. Stop whining already.

Willow comes and tortures her friends, then decides to make herself super-strong and have a fistfight with Buffy.

Audience:

You don't beat up the world's most powerful witch in a fistfight! That's worse than all those Bud Spencer/Terence Hill movies 

where the bad guys throw away their guns and let themselves get beaten up! Faith put up a better fight and she wasn't magical!

Giles arrives, wearing no glasses and a Matrix-style coat. He looks gorgeous and saves the day by knocking Willow out. Buffy fills him in about everything that has happened since he left.

Giles:

You're such a bunch of idiots. *starts laughing*

Audience:

Yes, but you wouldn't find it that funny if you'd been forced to actually _watch_ them.

Willow frees herself, then sucks the magic from Giles. 

Willow:

Groovy! I'm so high!

Audience:

*bang heads against table*

Buffy:

Quick, hide the sage!

Willow traps Buffy and Dawn in a hole full of demons and goes to erect a temple to a demon-goddess. Buffy and Dawn fight the demons with two very convenient swords.

Dawn:

I've picked up super-fighting skills by watching you, Buffy!

Audience:

Right. Except Buffy _never_ takes her on patrol and rarely slays demons in front of her.

Anya:

Hello Buffy, hello Dawn. Giles is dying or maybe not. I hope you like it in that hole, 

because despite being a vengeance demon and granting wishes, I wouldn't dream of rescuing you.

Xander suddenly appears in front of Willow. She starts attacking him.

Audience:

Where the hell does he come from? How did he know where to find her?

Xander:

I love you, Willow! Ouch! You're my best friend! Ouch! Even if you're trying to kill us all! Ouch!

Willow collapses crying in Xander's arms. Her hair turns back to red. Her plans for world destruction have been postponed.

Unimpressed Audience Members:

So, did the magic book turn her clothes black, too? And what about the black lipstick?

Other Audience Members:

The world has been saved by Xander Harris. That's just sad.

Some More Audience Members:

So, you mean, after all that build-up, no-one but two very evil people has died? 

That's cheating. I smell an easy redemption coming.

Spike:

Forget about me, did you? Have a look at my brand-new soul!

Audience:

The prize of a demon-butt-kicking contest is a _soul_? And a _demon_ gave it to you?

Buffy:

It's good to be alive.

Dawn:

Yes, and I know you love me. Shall we start whining some more, then?

Buffy:

Sure.

Love it? Hate it? R&R!


End file.
